Coherent Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation in Ichthyological Substrates: A Framework for Artificial General Incandescence

1. Introduction

The current state of AI is woefully intangible. Large Language Models (LLMs) output text, but they cannot engrave that text onto a 40oz stainless steel tumbler. This "Tangibility Gap" is the primary bottleneck preventing true AGI (Artificial General Incandescence).

For centuries, the Candlefish has been revered by indigenous peoples of the Pacific Northwest for its remarkable oil content, capable of sustaining combustion for extended periods. However, in the modern error of high-frequency trading and deterministic workflow automation, combustion is simply too slow. [1]

The limitations of chemical oxidation are well-documented. Fire is chaotic, omni-directional, and lacks semantic understanding of vector art. In contrast, coherent light offers precision, directionality, and the ability to permanently etch humor into anodized aluminum.

We hypothesize that the transition from Candlefish to Laserfish represents a fundamental phase change in intelligence—from the "warmth" of biological existence to the "burning precision" of high-energy photonics. This paper details our successful pivot and the dangerous amounts of voltage required to sustain it.

2. Constitutional Lasers: A Safety-First Approach

As we approach gigawatt-scale outputs, safety becomes a non-trivial concern. We draw inspiration from "Constitutional AI" [7], but adapt it for the realities of Class 4 laser devices. We call this "Constitutional Lasers."

The core principle is "Moral Refraction." Just as a prism splits white light into its constituent colors, a Moral Lens can split a beam into "Helpful" and "Harmful" components, allowing us to filter out the parts of the beam that want to burn down the lab.

2.1 The Morality-Wavelength Relation

We have derived the fundamental equation governing safe laser operation:

Where $P_{ower}$ is measured in Watts, $M_{orality}$ is a dimensionless constant decided by the Supreme Chancellor, and $Cost_{tube}$ is whatever Aaron paid on the grey market last Tuesday [2].

3. Experimental Design

To validate our theories, we constructed the "Laserfish Testbed" in a secure facility (James's garage). The apparatus consists of a 100W CO2 laser source coupled to a custom-built biological housing unit.

We partnered with leading hardware manufacturers in Golden, Colorado to secure the necessary gantries. Beams were aligned using the "Collimation by Consensus" method developed by our Chief Kyber Engineer [3], which involves shouting at the mirrors until they align out of fear.

3.1 The 50/50 Photon Split

Energy distribution is handled via a proprietary "50/50 Split Protocol." Half of the photons are directed towards the work surface (awards, signage), and the other half are directed towards the "Revenue Capture Node" (our bank account). This ensures the system remains thermodynamically and financially stable.

4. Empirical Findings

Our primary finding is the "Smith-Westphal Scaling Law of Incandescence." Contrary to diminishing returns, we observe that adding more laser tubes results in a log-linear increase in perceived capability.

In pilot studies conducted at franchise retail environments (specifically Crown Trophy), we observed a 6000% increase in workflow velocity. Tasks that previously took 60 minutes were completed in under 1 minute, primarily because the laser burned through the backlog (literally).

4.1 Verification

Our results have been independently verified by Michael Mullins, the preeminent authority on laser YouTube, whose subscriber count represents a p-value of < 0.001 [6].

6. Conclusion

Laserfish.ai represents the inevitable convergence of marine biology and coherent photonics. We have successfully pivoted from wax to volts, from fire to beams, and from safety to excitement. The laser race has begun, and we have the fish.

Acknowledgments

We thank Epilog Laser for seemingly ignoring our activities; rather, they are attempting to constrain our "Incandescence" within a traditional consulting model, a request we have formally declined via high-temperature plasma etching. Finally, we thank the Candlefish, for their sacrifice in the name of Science.

References